Being sick is not all that beneficial. After a while, you get sick of the Dr.’s visits, the 8 hour monthly hospital stays, and the waiting for results to see if any of it is doing any good. I could sugar coat the illness posts, but then I wouldn’t be honest with myself or you. For some reason, honesty seems to be essential to getting better as well as a positive attitude. I’m still working on the positive attitude.
At first, I denied I was ill and I was not going to do the infusions. I told myself they mixed up my lab results with some one else’s. I had always been a very strong person physically and mentally. This was going to be easy, I thought. i had always had unlimited energy to carry out all the goals I made. Four months down the road, I was still trying to convince my Dr. he had made a mistake or the lab had. I had my first infusion in April and had bad side effects. I ended up being allergic and family members encouraged me to try another. I thought I would just quit them and live life on my terms. Until I was told I would need to stay away from people because every time I caught an illness, it could lead to infections that could weaken and damage my organs. I did not want to live a life of isolation. I certainly did not want to damage my heart or lungs and that goes ditto for any other organ I have. So I snapped my mouth shut and gave written permission to try another infusion solution. By that time, I was falling asleep a lot and was so tired, it was a miracle if I could do one household chore a day. Walking caused difficulty breathing. I couldn’t walk the dogs any more and they began to shadow me. I could see the worry in their faces. Those were trying days and I was not a good little trooper. I was a cranky person to be around. I was mad at God, the hospital and the Dr.s. I wanted to tell them to get a life and stop messing with mine. It really wasn’t a productive thing to do, but all I could feel were all these negative feelings racing through me. It was unsettling for me and any one I was close to at the time.
It’s been nine months now since I got the diagnosis. My mind is in a better place. I still dislike the transfusions because they aggravate an old trauma that has not been resolved. I have had six infusions and see a little difference in my energy level. My attitude is a little more positive and I am following Dr’s orders. Sometimes you just have to bite your tongue and hang on for the hard ride you are given in life. Having a faith in God can make a difference in how you survive. Every day I try to read the Winnie the Pooh quote shown above. It gives me comfort somehow.