Crisis of the Soul
When I was young, God was a very powerful figure in my life. He was compassionate and caring, and always loving. As a child, I trusted Him to take care of me, watch out for me. Times were tough in childhood. Starvation was real, being beaten was often, and safe places were hard to find. Even with that to contend with, I always knew God had the power to do anything, and He would make it turn out OK, eventually. I just had to wait for the good times to come.
As a young adult, I remained steadfast in my faith and I learned that God had His own rules and ways of dealing with things. He would often send hardships into my life for a reason, to teach me lessons that were long overdue.
In my Mid-life years, my faith remained true and unwavering in the God I knew as a child. I was happily married, had a child, and a good job I loved. Life was good, and I thought I had everything. I wasn’t rich, but I had a home, a family, good health, a good job, and had a relationship with a friend who became a mother to me and a grandmother to my child.
The years passed. My husband became ill with a serious disease that crippled him. He lost his job and he became fearful of things that never happened which started affecting his judgement, his ability to make good decisions. I became the sole breadwinner of the family. My child left home to get an education, and things slowly fell apart. There was a divorce and life went on. Still I remained strong in my faith and committed to doing the will of God. The years passed and I retired.
Old age came and left its mark on my body. I started making plans for traveling, and doing the things I wanted to do but put off doing for one reason or another. I thought I had lots of time ahead of me. In seven years, I had five surgeries which took its toll on my body. My best friend became ill multiple times which affected her health as well. In the last year, I’ve had to deal with multiple traumas and the loss of my health. My plans are on hold and I no longer have the energy to do them. I am trying to adjust to an illness that has serious ramifications for me and the treatments are difficult.
I have lost the only real mother I have ever known. Old age has robbed me of my strength and energy. I am seeing people, I once worked with, die and old neighbors die. The City is changing all around me. Life, as I once knew it, no longer exists, and I find my soul in crisis. I ask ” why” a lot and there are times I am angry. I feel sadness, and there are times I feel afraid. I feel like a mighty oak ripped up from its foundation. I am lost in a world I no longer recognize and I am scrambling for a foot hold. I am not defeated, but I have sustained much damage. I do not know what the end results will be. I do know I need to pray and somehow find the courage to have faith in God again.