There are times when you come to a fork in the road. It’s hard to know which road to take and whether you are making the right decision. Times when all your knowledge, all the books you’ve ever read, cannot give you the answers. You want to understand what happened. What brought you to this point in time. You know you are too close to the situation to be objective. The emotions are too scrambled to understand. You wonder if you are running away because the fear, pain, and anger became too much. Was it because you could not separate out, what was past in the present? Did perceived rejection of yourself tap so strongly into the past that it became impossible to separate out what was actually happening? Did the woman from my past, who took away one by one the very things that make a person trust, tap into the present and wipe out all the good?
Once upon a time, a child loved nature and brought her mother a handful of flowers. The mother had been drinking and was depressed. The child wanted to see joy on her mother’s face. Her mother took the flowers and threw them into the trash. She said, ” I wish you had never been born.”
A child came for comfort when scared and hurt, to the mother she yearned to love. She received a blow and hurtful words. ” Stop giving me trouble,” the Mother said.
At the age of four, a child came for help in washing the clothes. She was told to do it herself. “Stop being a burden and do it yourself.” The child screamed when her hand got caught in the wringer. Her mother slept as the neighbors came to help.
Did the past become triggered, by words in the present? If so, I could not overcome the past. I could not trust enough. I could not use reason to control these emotions. And so, I take a break. I come to the fork in the road. Not because I want to. I have to. For now, there is no other choice.
What kept me working with you when things got tough? You had this incredible ability to get me to talk, when no one else could. I could sense the goodness inside of you. You were honest and very kind. You taught me how to feel authentic feelings and how to give voice to my emotions. You challenged me to think. You enabled me to cry, to stand up for myself and be assertive. You gave me focused attention. You listened, and at times, your words, your voice soothed me when I felt hurt, sad, or when I felt afraid. When you gave me feedback, it was helpful. You took me to a place I’d never been before, a place of safety. I am grateful for the time I worked with you. There were good times and difficult times. I grew. You were there for me when I needed help. Thank you for your time and your kindness. ( Yu/stan/kema )